Addiction is a complex and challenging condition that affects not only the individual who suffers from it but also the family members and loved ones who care for them.
If someone you care about is struggling with addiction, it can be a very overwhelming and emotional experience. However, as a support person, your help can be instrumental in guiding your loved one to begin the journey of recovery.
Knowing how to approach this difficult situation can make a significant difference in their ability to regain control of their life.
In this article, we will explore how to help a family member with an addiction. We will cover the definition of addiction, offering emotional support whilst establishing healthy boundaries, researching treatment options and some helpful tips how to encourage them to consider treatment.
While it can be extremely difficult and challenging, your contribution to their wellbeing could significantly improve the chances of your loved one overcoming addiction.
Before attempting to help a loved one with an addiction, it’s important to understand what addiction actually is and how it affects a person. Addiction is a chronic disease. It triggers the brain’s reward system, can reduce an addict’s motivation for self-care and can have adverse effects on memory.
It can also impact sleeping patterns, libido and ability to cope with the stresses and pressures of life. Addiction does not relate exclusively to substances like drugs and/or alcohol. People develop behavioural systems and become addicted to gambling, gaming, sex and/or internet use.
Addiction changes the brain in ways that can make it very difficult for the person to stop engaging in the addictive behaviour despite them knowing it is harming their health; their relationships are suffering, and their overall quality of life is adversely impacted.
The most common cause of addiction is due to unresolved grief or trauma. The addictive behaviour is also often driven by a need to escape from emotional pain, stress and pressure.
The relationship with the preferred substance (comforter) could be likened to the relationship with a band aid or crutch. Addiction could be considered as comfort seeking behaviour. With substance abuse it is common for those with addictions to experience severe withdrawal symptoms when they try to quit, which makes it even harder, and dangerous, to break free from the cycle.
Understanding that addiction is not a choice, or a moral failing can help you approach the situation with more compassion and empathy. No one starts using a substance with the intention of becoming addicted and most people with an addiction would prefer not to be addicted so instead of viewing the person as "weak" or "irresponsible," try to recognise and accept addiction is an illness.
This shift in perspective can help you be more patient and to provide more constructive support.
The first step in helping a family member with an addiction is to offer them some emotional support. Most of them really do want to quit but don’t know how. They don’t have the knowledge, the tools, the strategies, the insight or the coping mechanism necessary to successful abstain and so, despite the desire and intention to successfully quit, they all too often relapse.
When they relapse, they feel guilty because they know how it affects them and their loved ones. Addicts drown in guilt and shame and subsequent self-loathing. Given they are not equipped to deal with the negative emotions of the guilt and shame, they then seek comfort from those emotions and will turn to whichever substance, or behaviour, that has previously brought them comfort in the past. That is the cycle of addiction. It is not a choice.
Rather than expressing anger or disappointment, try to approach your loved one with empathy and understanding. It is likely they already feel ashamed or guilty, and blaming them for their addiction will only reinforce those negative feelings.
You also risk becoming a source of guilt. If you frequently make them feel guilty, it is likely they will try to avoid the guilt by avoiding contact with you.
That will minimise your influence and reduce the likelihood you can encourage them to pursue treatment. Instead, let them know you care, that you are there for them and that you are there to support them.
Sometimes the most valuable thing you can do for someone who is simply listen. That applies to anyone who feels overwhelmed due to their circumstance.
Just listen and let them be heard.
That act alone will ensure they know they are not alone and let them know you care enough to take the time to listen to them.
Addiction often isolates individuals from other non-addicts. The chance to talk to someone who truly listens can be really cathartic. It is advised you avoid jumping straight into suggesting solutions or problem-solving. Make sure you have allowed them ample time to share their thoughts, feelings and emotions as that is a great way to build trust.
When you have earned their trust and researched a variety of treatment options then, if you feel the timing is good, you could ask if they are receptive to the concept of treatment.
If they appear reluctant to discuss treatment it is advised you give them space and wait until the next time you feel they are more likely to be receptive.
You should not force treatment onto them.
While offering support is crucial, it is also very important to avoid enabling the addiction and subsequently becoming part of the problem.
Enabling behaviours can include partaking in their behaviours, making excuses and/or justifying their actions, covering up, or providing them with money that they might use to fuel their addiction or behaviour.
Enabling might seem as though you are helping them in the short term, but you could also be prolonging their behaviour making it harder for them to face the consequences of their addiction.
Don’t deny them the opportunity to experience the repercussions of their choices and action as that is what is most likely to prompt them to want to change. If they don’t experience the repercussions of their choices and actions where will the incentive to address their behaviour come from?
As difficult as it may be, setting clear and healthy boundaries is essential when helping a family member, or loved one, with an addiction.
It may feel like you’re being harsh or unloving, but in reality, boundaries help both you and the person struggling with addiction.
They create a clear set of rules for the addict to adhere to. You have to be fair, and you have to be reasonable. It will only cause friction if you try to impose unrealistic rules on them. You have to manage your expectations and be realistic.
Just a reminder; addiction is not a choice so expecting them to quit because you told them to is not only unrealistic but will compromise your relationship with them at the cost of your influence.
It is imperative you never set a boundary or make a threat that you aren’t willing to follow through on. You need to be extremely mindful of the boundaries you intend to expect. They have to be realistic, fair and reasonable in their eyes more than yours and they have to be achievable.
Setting an unrealistic boundary is setting them up to fail which will only further erode their self-esteem. A small win is better than no win at all. Although abstinence is desired, moderation is worth celebrating.
Clearly communicate around which behaviours are unacceptable in your relationship. For example, you might tell your family member that you will not allow drug use or drinking in your family home.
You are encouraged to write your agreement down, confirm they feel your boundaries are achievable and, if not, try to find the middle ground you can both agree on. Confirm they believe they are fair and reasonable and that they are committed to trying. You cannot be clear enough.
You could make reference to the number of standard units of alcohol you think are acceptable in a 24-hour period. You could agree to times of the day consumption is acceptable. You could agree on specifics nights of the week. It is up to you to decide what you think is fair and reasonable and it is up to both of you to agree.
You have now agreed on the “rules”.
You then need to agree on the period of time you expect them to be compliant. Days is not long enough, and months and months is unfair.
Now you have agreed on the “timeframe”.
You also need to agree how you are going to be able to track and/or monitor their consumption. Whether that’s access to bank accounts, coming straight home from work, access to their phone etc.
They might find the scrutiny confronting and become upset you don’t trust them enough. The purpose of the transparency is not to catch them out. Your hope is that they either moderate and/or abstain based on the criteria you both agreed on.
The purpose of transparency is to help them maintain compliance it adds another layer of accountability. You are just trying to help them be successful.
Now you are able to “measure” success.
Although it will be difficult, it is important you agree on what are the repercussions if they breach the agreement. Whatever the repercussions are they have to be fair, reasonable and proportionate to the breach.
It would be unreasonable and unfair to take drastic action over a minor breach. Remember, any reduction in usage or behaviours should be celebrated. By being clear you avoid them feeling ambushed.
You now have an agreed set of “repercussions”
Depending on the severity of their behaviour and the period of time you believe they have struggled you might even consider writing a contract for them to sign. Just in case they forget what was agreed over what timeframe.
With a “contract” you now have written proof of their intention to succeed.
Setting boundaries is only effective if you follow through on them. If your loved one crosses a boundary, it’s important to be consistent in enforcing the consequences. Remember; never make a rule, agreement or threat you aren’t willing or capable of following through on.
For example, if you’ve set a rule that they can’t live with you if they use substances inside the house, don’t make exceptions. But did you agree how long they would not be allowed back in the house or have you agreed they can never move back in?
Consistency is key to helping them recognise the seriousness of the situation.
You also need to establish boundaries for your own preservation and well-being. Constantly trying to “fix” your loved one or family member is likely to come at the cost of your own mental and emotional wellbeing.
It is important to prioritise your own self-care and to seek appropriate support for yourself. That could mean attending group therapy sessions, seeing a therapist to work with yourself or talking to a trusted friend.
Addiction is a medical condition, and overcoming it usually requires some form of professional intervention. There is a justified reason why there are so many addiction treatment service providers.
There are a lot of people who need help with addiction. While emotional support and boundaries are essential, they are unlikely to be enough on their own to help a family member to recover from addiction. Encouraging appropriate treatment is a vital step in the recovery process.
Here are some ways to encourage treatment:
When the time feels right, gently encourage your family member to consider seeking some support. This can be a difficult conversation to initiate so choosing the right time to approach them is crucial.
They are unlikely to be receptive if things are going well so the best time to approach them is when they have shown signs of guilt or remorse. Be very gentle in your approach. Your intention is to show them you care and that you are there to support them not to make them feel worse.
Be sure to approach the subject with empathy, letting them know you are concerned about their well-being, that you are invested in their wellbeing and that you want to see them get better.
Make sure to have a clear understanding of treatment options before you approach them with the concept of treatment. You never know if they will be receptive. The window of motivation is fickle.
Make sure you have a short list of well researched, well vetted options before you approach them with the concept of treatment. If they say yes to treatment, you need to be ready to move as quickly as possible.
Thankfully there are lots of options available to people but researching them can be complicated. It is advised you, as their support person, do the preliminary research on their behalf.
There are lots of options for you to consider so it is best to research options you believe are likely to set them up to succeed.
The size of the problem dictates the size of the solution. Big problems require big solutions.
For example, if your loved one has a severe addiction and is really struggling to function, attending a weekly group session is unlikely to be appropriate. They need to be in a controlled environment with lots of support to ensure they are safe and likely to succeed during treatment.
If your family member agrees to seek help, be there to support them through the process. This could mean accompanying them to appointments, helping them stay on track with their treatment plan, holding them accountable to what you both agreed to or simply being a source of encouragement throughout their recovery journey. Recovery from addiction is a long and difficult process, and your continued support can make all the difference.
It’s also crucial to acknowledge that helping a loved one through addiction can take a huge emotional toll on you as well. You might experience feelings of frustration, sadness, guilt, or anger.
It is essential to seek support for yourself so that you can continue to be a source of strength for your loved one. Therapy, support groups, or counselling for families of addicts can be incredibly helpful during this time.
Addiction recovery is a long-term process, and there will likely be setbacks along the way. Relapse is an anticipated part of recovery. It is important to approach the situation with patience and realistic expectations.
Your family member may not overcome their addiction overnight, and relapse can happen even after successful treatment. However, recovery is possible. Your role is to offer compassion, setting and enforcing of boundaries, and encouraging appropriate treatment.
Helping a family member with an addiction is an extremely challenging and emotional experience. Prioritise the relationship to ensure you have enough influence to support them and to persuade them to seek treatment.
Start by assessing the severity of their presentation that way you can then research appropriate treatment option. When you have finished your research and have a short list of option then strategies how and when to approach them with the concept of treatment.
While the process is not easy so it is important to remember that you cannot control your loved one’s addiction, but by showing love, offering support, and encouraging treatment, you can play a vital role in their journey to recovery.
